Thank you, Daddy

Dear Red Buffalo,

It's April 1, Easter, and my last day of Spring Break. I have enjoyed my time off immensely and I have needed it so much. These past few days have been really hard with me missing you and being in the darkest place yet.  The only way to describe it is feeling as if I am empty and lost. I have heard people 'needing to find themselves', but I never fully understood it until now. I am not me anymore. Or, I should say, I don't know who I am. I feel totally unbalanced and lost. I also feel exceedingly sad and lonely. I honestly don't want to be here.

On a related note, I have had an unusual relationship with God for some time now. I am resentful for so many reasons, so I keep a safe distance, Well, during this time of Easter, I was feeling really resistant to religion and feeling indifferent to my faith. I had been turning over my beliefs in my mind for the last couple days. I took Ruby for a hike this morning and I felt a bit better about my relationship with the All Mighty after being in his creation for a couple of hours. Then, at home, I felt more peaceful after being in my yard with my cats and watching my resident hummingbird check out my new plants. Nature is my therapist.

These moments help, but they aren't enough to combat my deep grief. I want to believe in a heaven because I want you to be in it living the good life--finally.  Bottom line, I'm not so worried about you. I'm selfishly worried about ME without you.  I have been an emotional mess here lately.  And...when I had finally reached a breaking point, you came to me in a dream.

I was napping and in my dream I was napping too. I heard muffled voices which I understood to be mostly Mom. I woke slowly to those sounds and the feeling of someone's arm around my shoulder. I could also hear some kind of tune in the background that sounded familiar. When I opened my eyes and gazed up and over to my right, I saw who I think was Harry. (Really??)  He was in conversation maybe with Mom--not sure. I realized the arm/hand was still there and it didn't belong to Harry.  I dozed off, but minutes later I roused again (still dreaming) and looked up and to my left.  And..... it was YOU.  YOU!  You were so handsome. It was the you from late 90's maybe. You had a fabulous salt and pepper beard, had your Barney's Landscaping cap on and you looked casual and comfortable. You were also talking to someone on your left. You were looking at them, not at me. I knew the person, a man, but I didn't take time to register who they were because the moment I saw you, I began to sob. You were there! You had your arm around me. I grabbed your hand and just cried.  Then, I woke up and began to sob for real.  All I could say was "Thank you, Daddy. I needed that!" over and over. 

It seemed like we were having some kind of family get together and that's why the music was playing in the background?!  Or, maybe that music was just for me. It began to come to me that I thought it was Elvis and then the more I heard it in my head, I realized it was Rugged Cross.

Daddy, the encouragement that you brought me in that dream not only with your presence, but the message that you sent with that song saved me. Thank you, Daddy, thank you! Please stay nearby. I need you so.

Your Baby,
Crista Lugene

PS- While writing this, I'm sitting outside and a few seconds after I put on the music, my little hummingbird made an appearance a few feet away from me to my left. He hovered around long enough for me to get a good look at him, longer than he ever has before.  xo

36 Days and counting

Dear Red Buffalo,

It's been 36 loooooong days since you left us. Just because I haven't written in a while, doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss you terribly. You are in my thoughts daily. I see your face, I hear your words. I think of our last conversations. I think of how you made me feel.

I realize that nobody ever seemed happier to see me than you did.  The way your face lit up and the way you said, "Hey, Baby!" was absolutely priceless. Nobody ever made me feel more loved and special than you did.  It's hard knowing that I will never feel that feeling again.  I know that it will always be with me, but it's just not the same.

I hope you know how wonderful your Celebration of Life was a few weeks ago.  You would have been annoyed with all the fuss and the details, but you would have loved hearing  Ann, Ray, Scott & 'your boys' talk and you would've gotten a kick out of John Bryant.   A theme that was mentioned over and over again is how you knew what to say and when to reach out to people when they needed it and even when they didn't know they needed it. That was something special about you. You had a good sense for people and for their needs. Another thing that resonated with people who spoke about you was how unpretentious you were and how you demonstrated love and care and faith through your actions. "He wasn't religious, but he loved the Lord."

Daddy, I am forever grateful for the example you set for me. I am a better person because you raised me. I wish that you could've had more success, more money, more comfort, more understanding, more relaxation, more time. I watched over the years as you put 200% into things only to get out a fraction of your investment.  I feel like you worked so hard and just busted your butt and never really got the life you deserved. I don't think you saw it that way, but I did and it has always made me sad and mad and resentful.

I think that maybe you didn't know how others really saw you and if they saw your efforts.  I know that what others thought didn't matter to you, but it's still nice to be noticed and well...now there's no doubting that they did.  You impacted countless lives with your words and actions. Not only did they see, Daddy, but I saw. I saw you. I saw your love, your care, your dedication, your passion, your kindness, your faith.  I saw you Daddy. I knew you and I knew your heart and it was precious.

I miss you so very much. I wish there were bigger words than those. Words that could really describe the hole in my heart and in my life now that you are gone. Each day comes is a challenge.  Some days I hear your words or think of a moment or something you would say and it makes me smile. Other days I am reminded of something and I become overtaken with sadness and grief.

I wish there was a way to know that you are really okay. I don't know if I really believe in heaven, (or at least the heaven of storybooks) but I want to because I want you to be there enjoying old friends and family and all of your pets that have crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.  Daddy, if there's a way to let me know you're okay, please do!

I love you always,
Mountain Flower

A Week

Dear Red Buffalo,

It's been a week since you left this Earth. It seems like forever since I've talked to you while simultaneously seeming like just yesterday that we were all gathered around your bedside loving on you and giving you permission to leave us.

How do people do this?

This is hard.

I hope you saw us on the day we laid your body to rest. It was a beautiful day and everything was perfect. Not too long, not too much. Just right. We were all there...even both of your sisters. John Bryant talked about how you hated the food in Israel (specifically St. Peter's fish WITH the tail and eyeballs). Trell was sweet with Momma. The flowers on your casket were all tropical and gorgeous. Momma ordered it special for you. We dropped flowers on your casket before it was covered. Many of the flowers were camellias from  your yard.

Before you made it to Woodlawn, Momma, Cindra, Merrilyn and I visited you at the funeral home just to make sure you were taken care of  to our liking. (Surprise, huh?) You were looking very dapper in your navy and white. Momma gave you a whistle so you could call for her if you needed her and I put in your headdress. What a sight you must be in heaven with both a whistle and a headdress! Oh, Mom also showed me the mini screwdriver attached to the whistle, "In case he needs to get out of there" (the casket). You would've rolled your eyes.

Daddy, I miss you. I still need you in so many ways. I've asked you before and I'll ask again. Please stay with me!

Your Baby,
Mountain Flower 

Hardest Day Of My Life

Dear Red Buffalo,
Even though you are not here on Earth with us anymore, you have a permanent (and quite massive) place in my heart. Thank you for taking me camping and passing on your love of plants, animals and nature. Thank you for teaching me how to swim, dive, ride a bike, mow a lawn, drive, shop a flea market, take care of my pets and about a million other things. There was never a dull moment living life with you! From the flea market and boxing days to the landscape, Fun Time, Big Wheel and Save the Cats days...you've done it all and we've been right there with you on your adventures. You were a great man with a strong faith who impacted many lives. To say I am proud to be your daughter is an understatement. I have inherited so many wonderful traits from you including my sense of humor, determination, work ethic, compassion, out-of-the-box thinking, discernment and spirit of bold independence. I am so very thankful for the 48 years I had with you. Thank you for your commitment to our family and for always expressing your love. Thank you for always taking an interest in my life and for being so supportive of me and everything I've done. You have always been my hero and I hope to live my life to make you proud. Please talk me up in heaven so I can see you again some day. I may be on shaky ground with the big guy. I love you Daddy. Always.
Your Baby,
Crista Lugene (AKA Mountain Flower)

P.S.- Thank you for naming me. Twice.