Thank you, Daddy

Dear Red Buffalo,

It's April 1, Easter, and my last day of Spring Break. I have enjoyed my time off immensely and I have needed it so much. These past few days have been really hard with me missing you and being in the darkest place yet.  The only way to describe it is feeling as if I am empty and lost. I have heard people 'needing to find themselves', but I never fully understood it until now. I am not me anymore. Or, I should say, I don't know who I am. I feel totally unbalanced and lost. I also feel exceedingly sad and lonely. I honestly don't want to be here.

On a related note, I have had an unusual relationship with God for some time now. I am resentful for so many reasons, so I keep a safe distance, Well, during this time of Easter, I was feeling really resistant to religion and feeling indifferent to my faith. I had been turning over my beliefs in my mind for the last couple days. I took Ruby for a hike this morning and I felt a bit better about my relationship with the All Mighty after being in his creation for a couple of hours. Then, at home, I felt more peaceful after being in my yard with my cats and watching my resident hummingbird check out my new plants. Nature is my therapist.

These moments help, but they aren't enough to combat my deep grief. I want to believe in a heaven because I want you to be in it living the good life--finally.  Bottom line, I'm not so worried about you. I'm selfishly worried about ME without you.  I have been an emotional mess here lately.  And...when I had finally reached a breaking point, you came to me in a dream.

I was napping and in my dream I was napping too. I heard muffled voices which I understood to be mostly Mom. I woke slowly to those sounds and the feeling of someone's arm around my shoulder. I could also hear some kind of tune in the background that sounded familiar. When I opened my eyes and gazed up and over to my right, I saw who I think was Harry. (Really??)  He was in conversation maybe with Mom--not sure. I realized the arm/hand was still there and it didn't belong to Harry.  I dozed off, but minutes later I roused again (still dreaming) and looked up and to my left.  And..... it was YOU.  YOU!  You were so handsome. It was the you from late 90's maybe. You had a fabulous salt and pepper beard, had your Barney's Landscaping cap on and you looked casual and comfortable. You were also talking to someone on your left. You were looking at them, not at me. I knew the person, a man, but I didn't take time to register who they were because the moment I saw you, I began to sob. You were there! You had your arm around me. I grabbed your hand and just cried.  Then, I woke up and began to sob for real.  All I could say was "Thank you, Daddy. I needed that!" over and over. 

It seemed like we were having some kind of family get together and that's why the music was playing in the background?!  Or, maybe that music was just for me. It began to come to me that I thought it was Elvis and then the more I heard it in my head, I realized it was Rugged Cross.

Daddy, the encouragement that you brought me in that dream not only with your presence, but the message that you sent with that song saved me. Thank you, Daddy, thank you! Please stay nearby. I need you so.

Your Baby,
Crista Lugene

PS- While writing this, I'm sitting outside and a few seconds after I put on the music, my little hummingbird made an appearance a few feet away from me to my left. He hovered around long enough for me to get a good look at him, longer than he ever has before.  xo